


When love breaks down we both die

by drunkbert



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Adam Lambert - Freeform, Friendship/Love, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sex, sauli koskinen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 13:25:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14895422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkbert/pseuds/drunkbert
Summary: Sauli wants them to move on.Adam doesn't.





	When love breaks down we both die

The party was over.

Adam studied the mess for a while and smiled to himself tiredly, alcohol still messing in his system and causing him to feel light headed. He closed the front door and turned the lights off, heading for upstairs. Sauli was still up, leaning on the balcony barrier with a glass of sparkling wine in his other hand. He took small sips, sighed, and looked back up in the dark sky, unaware of the eyes watching him from behind. Adam was about to say something but he changed his mind in the last second. He didn't know what to say. Sauli seemed to enjoy the quiet, peaceful moment after the whole night lasting overwhelming loud music. Finns needed their silence, Adam thought, not daring to break it or interrupt the possible flow of thoughts in Sauli's head. The air was a bit cool. Everything seemed to stand still as if time had stopped. It fascinated Adam. He took a step forward to get a better view at the sky but tripped and let out a startled sound. Sauli turned quickly and managed to drop his wine glass.

"Jeez, Adam...you scared me...are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry..." Adam scratched the back of his head feeling awkward and clumsy. Sauli gave him a forgiving smile and got down on his knees intending to pick up what was left from the wine glass. Adam rushed the help him.

"Ow-"

"Shit, Sauli..." Adam grabbed the blond's hand and held it securely examining the small cut and the drop of blood flowing down his finger. Without a second thought he put the finger in his mouth and froze. He could feel Sauli's eyes on him. Neither of them moved.

"It's okay..." Sauli decided to whisper.

"I always knew you are a vampire."

They both cracked and the tension was long gone. Adam smiled amused but kept holding onto Sauli's hand. They gazed each other warmly.

"Yeah, that's why I have always loved biting you."

"And still do", Sauli pulled his top down to reveal an angry red hickey from few days ago. Adam felt a pinch of arousal somewhere low in his belly. The memory of them rolling around in Adam's big double bed laughing was still fresh. Sauli had wanted to change the current channel they had been watching but Adam had refused to give him the remote. It had quickly turned into a silly fight. And something really hot. Adam shuddered.

"So..."

It was awkward again. Adam felt hot and bothered. Sauli was looking at him which Adam himself thought was an odd way. He was squeezing the Finn's hand in his secretly hoping for it to be enough.

 _Don't go. Don't leave me. Stay. Please_.

Sauli sighed.

"I should probably-" Adam didn't let go of his hand.

"Adam-"

He pulled Sauli back down and kissed him. It was sweet, gentle and soft, slow and loving, careful, as Adam gave Sauli a chance to pull back, maybe slap him for acting such a way. They weren't in a relationship. They had made no vows to each other. Adam had tried to avoid talking about the whole matter. Sauli's words about a new possible relationship, a new possible boyfriend, had left a lump in his throat.

And it hurt him. More than he thought was possible.

The kiss ended. Adam kept his eyes shut. He felt a hot puff of air against his lips. A sigh. _No_. He knew what it meant. He leaned in again to kiss those lips but he was pushed away.

"Sauli-"

"Ei! Lopeta!"

Adam opened his eyes. His heart sank at the tone. Sauli had backed away from him in the doorway where he didn't even look at him.

"I'm leaving in two days anyway. Don't make this harder for both of us. It's time to move on." Adam's lips formed a weak smile.

"You have-"

"I mean it this time, Adam", Sauli's eyes met Adam's. He took few deep breaths and rubbed his eyes tiredly. The dark circles under his eyes were visible to Adam's eyes when he turned towards him.

"I want to move on with my life and I want you to move on with yours. It's just that...I don't see it happening if we see each other." Sauli looked at Adam who was still kneeling on the balcony floor with the small pieces of glass before him.

"Sauli..." Adam mumbled and shook his head starting to laugh.

"You cannot be serious. I mean you always say stuff like that but we always meet up and get together again. You are such a huge part of my life and I...you're really important to me. I cannot just not see you, Sauli. We talk nearly every day, I mean-" he slammed his palms on his thighs.

"Sauli, I love you", he cried out and watched the blond's small form on the doorway, taking deep breaths and wiping his eyes.

"Then let me go, Adam", Sauli barely whispered.

"If you love me", he paused and took a shaky breath.

"Let me go."

"Sauli-"

"I'll take Pharaoh out."

And with that he left.

Adam listened to the steps of his friend and the happy barks of his dog. Adam's mind wandered. He stared at the spilled wine and broken glass on the floor in wonder. _As fragile as a glass._ Adam had always thought their relationship was more like an armor. He had thought their love endured everything. He had thought he had found the happy ending of his life. They didn't even need to be labelled as boyfriends, Adam was very happy just having Sauli in his life, but things were changing. Sauli's heart didn't belong to Adam anymore.

Adam brought his hand up and sobbed. If Sauli wanted to find happiness with someone else, he had the right to do it. And Adam would let go. He had seen it happening in the future but he hadn't wanted to think about it. The more Sauli had started talking about other guys, the more Adam had drown himself in lies about them getting back together eventually. It wasn't happening. Not anymore. Adam was late. It was the end of their story.

 

\---

 

Adam was laying on his double bed squeezing the silky pillow he had been crying on earlier. The material was wet but the tears had already dried on his cheeks. He felt heavy and tired but he didn't want to fall asleep. He couldn't. If Sauli was staying the last two days at his house he didn't want to miss a second with him. Adam chuckled tiredly remembering the lyrics of Never Close Our Eyes. How ironic. If he only could go back to Trespassing era and prevent things from getting wrong with him and Sauli. But what went wrong? _Nothing_ , Adam realised. Time just changed people and feelings could fade away in time. It was no one's fault if Sauli just didn't love Adam anymore or not in the same way at least. Adam just had never stopped loving him. It was his problem. Not Sauli's.

Adam sighed and cuddled his pillow. He listened to the ringing silence. The door downstairs opened and closed and Pharaoh's claws rustled on the naked floor. He listened to the steps getting closer until they stopped and the door to his bedroom was being pulled open quietly. He heard Sauli's breathing and remembered how real their conversation in the balcony had been. It hadn't been a nightmare. Sauli was leaving from his life. Adam sat up.

"You're awake", Sauli pointed out the obvious.

"Yeah", Adam answered looking at him. Silence fell between them but Adam couldn't handle it. Not now.

"Where did you take Pharaoh?" He chatted.

"We went to the hill."

"All the way up there?"

Sauli smiled.

"Not all the way. Pharaoh refused to continue on the half way and kept tucking back here."

"Oh", Adam said lamely.

Pharaoh slipped in the room and jumped on the bed and settled down next to Adam. He panted and kept kept eyeing Sauli in the doorway.

"So..." Adam started again awkwardly.

"Are you tired? Do you want to go to sleep?"

"Not really", Sauli answered and yawned.

"It's cold between the sheets alone anyway."

Adam stared at him.

"Do you want to eat something?" Sauli asked while moving a bit restlessly.

"Sure", Adam got up and wrapped himself in a black bathrobe before following Sauli downstairs in the kitchen. Pharaoh had seemed to decide to stay in Adam's bedroom. Sauli walked straight to the fridge as Adam started clearing the table (or more like making space for them both) filling yet again one trash bag and leaving it carelessly on the floor out of the way. Sauli asked if Adam wanted pizza. Adam accepted a slice. They sat next to each other and fell in smacking silence, both of them chewing the pizza slowly.

"I'm sorry, Adam", Sauli said suddenly.

They gazed each other.

"Let's not talk about it, okay? I just want to spent time with you."

Sauli nodded and sighed.

"How much it is?"

"Hm?"

"The time."

Adam checked.

"5 in the morning."

Sauli nodded again and finished eating the pizza slice. He stood up.

"I don't want to sleep alone", Adam burst out.

Sauli gave him a soft look.

"You don't have to."

 

\---

 

2 days.

 

A soft breath brushed Adam's neck and he heard Sauli's yawn. The blanket covering them was below their waistline leaving their upper bodies exposed and seaking for warmth in each other. Adam shifted and brought Sauli's smaller body closer to his, cuddling him against his chest. He heard Sauli hum against his throat.

"Good morning", Adam said.

"Mm..."

It was just like before and Adam couldn't help but wonder if Sauli had changed his mind once again. The thought made him happy and he smiled widely, enjoying the close moment with his bo- friend. By enjoying Adam hadn't really meant about getting hard but it happened anyway and he felt need to wake Sauli up. He started stroking the blond curls and massaging the neck and back with his other hand. Sauli let out a small groan.

"Yeah? Feels good?"

Adam caressed the body before him and shifted again to get into a better position. His hand stayed in the curls while the other roamed on the body, eventually slipping back up and under Sauli's chin to raise it. Adam pressed their lips together. He felt Sauli gasp surprised he didn't pull away. Adam sighed happily and proceeded to deepen the kiss and move on top of Sauli. Adam thrusted against him. 

"Adam...no-" Sauli panted against Adam's lips but didn't push him away. Adam moaned exploring Sauli's mouth and kept thrusting against him slowly at first, pinning Sauli under him with his weight, then speeding up. He released Sauli's mouth and moved to nibble his neck roughly.

"Adam..." Sauli whined under him.

"Adam, we-" Adam silenced him with his mouth. Sauli moaned and Adam felt wetness against his hard member.

It was all it took.

Adam came hard.

 

\---

 

Sauli dragged his suitcases downstairs by himself no matter how many times Adam offered to help him. Adam knew all too well how stubborn and independent Sauli was but it sometimes felt ridiculous to him. Adam brought Sauli's backpack and few shirts Sauli had forgotten to pack with him.

"Do you have everything?" Adam asked and put the shirts down on the couch.

"I guess so. Thanks."

Sauli opened his backpack and stuffed the shirts in, only to pull them back. He separated one shirt and studied it, then locked eyes with Adam.

"This is yours."

"Wrong. It was mine. Now it's yours."

"Adam-"

"Sauli..." Adam cut Sauli off and sat on the couch, next to the kneeling Sauli.

"I've given you many clothes and this is just one of them. It's too small for me anyway. I don't like wearing it."

Sauli brought it up against his chest hugging it.

"You know I love this shirt."

Adam smiled.

"I do know."

"I'm going to miss you", Sauli stood up and wrapped his arms around Adam, holding him close and burrying his face in Adam's neck.

He stayed like that forever.

 But, Adam thought.

We would see again?

_Right?_

The question was stupid but Adam was hopeful - maybe too hopeful. He didn't want to let go of Sauli, the love of his life, his sunshine who never failed to make him happy, make his days better, brighter. The moment of seeing Sauli for the first time flashed in Adam's mind. Crowded Jenny Woo. Cute boys dancing on the dance floor. Adam's eyes moved from one guy to another in search of eyecontacts. Few guys waved to him but he showed them more like a polite smile than a flirty suggest to come closer. No one interested him enough even from a distance. He sighed and let his eyes move freely while sipping his drink slowly. Then he saw him. On the other side of the bar. Even in the dim light Adam's eyes caught the gorgeous big smile on the Finn's lips before he turned his back to Adam. Adam remembered someone coming to him but he had just excused himself and walked straight to Sauli.

"Do you remember our first kiss?" Adam suddenly asked.

Sauli had fallen in silent but was still gripping on Adam.

"What?"

He pulled back.

"You think I would forget something like that?"

"It's been...8 years now", Adam gently reminded. He touched Sauli's face to move a blond curl behind the ear.

"And you were kinda drunk-"

"I was not!" Sauli chuckled and pushed Adam to lay down on the couch. Adam couldn't stop giggling.

"What an idiot", Sauli shook his head smiling widely and joined Adam on the large couch.

"I remember everything that happened that night."

"What happened?" Adam asked softly and shifted closer to Sauli.

They gazed each other.

"We made love."

Adam felt a squeeze in his chest. He let out a sigh and smiled at the memory.

"Love", he said dreamily.

"I fell for you harder and faster than I ever thought was possible. I felt the special connection between us right after exchange of few words - as if I was falling for my best friend and-"

Sauli kissed Adam.

It was just a chaste kiss. Lips pressing together for a second.

"Shh", Sauli placed his finger on Adam's lips. Adam watched Sauli closely, trying to read him.

"It's a beautiful memory", Sauli said and removed the finger. He turned to his suitcase breaking the intense atmosphere and continued as if nothing had even bothered his packing operation.

 

\---

 

"Do you...want to do something?"

Sauli turned to look at him.

"Do you?"

They had been sitting in the living room a while with TV casually on and eating chinese food on their laps. Adam had finished eating but Sauli was still stuffing rice in his mouth. It was dark in the house, the TV creating most of the light in the living room.

"I don't know. I'm up to anything", Adam scratched the back of his neck glancing Sauli every now and then.

"Where's Pharaoh?" Sauli looked around.

"He was here a while ago. He's probably sleeping on my bed."

"Or chewing your boots", Sauli smirked.

"Nah, he doesn't do that."

"No?"

"It happened only once, Sauli."

"Still."

Adam yawned and stretched his arms above his head. He let out a frustrated noise which he knew Sauli found amusing, an impatient grunt.

"How long are you going to eat?"

"What? I just got started."

Adam shook his head smiling.

"Where's all that food going?"

"Here", Sauli tensed his muscular tanned arms and did a pose for Adam who gave him an appreciative look.

"Besides, I love chinese food."

 _How could I forget that?_ Adam thought. He studied Sauli who was back at staring the TV screen intently.  His chewing had slowed down and he was wearing a serious expression. Adam found it cute that Sauli was so focused on the on going 'border security'. The Finn preferred watching TV to talking while eating. Adam liked talking more but it didn't matter to him at the moment. He just needed to see and feel Sauli's presence. He needed to know that the Finn was still right there, on his couch, next to him, in his life. Adam tried to hold onto the present moment. It was all that mattered to him.

For now.

 

\---

 

1 day.

 

Sauli was talking rapidly in Finnish and smiling, letting Adam hear his melodic laugh every now and then. They were walking down the streets in LA with two bags of groceries in their hands and Pharaoh jogging in front of them. The sun was high above them and the weather was just lovely, making Adam wonder how much below zero the temperature was in Finland. Adam glanced at Sauli. The person talking with him didn't seem to mind the weather - Adam frowned - or the fact that it was 4am in Finland. However, Sauli seemed to enjoy the chat very much. Adam tried to pick words he knew but it turned out to be impossible - he recognized only the name Mika.

"Sauli...?" Adam called gently, fishing for Sauli's attention. The Finn didn't hear him so he placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Ai, oota...mitä Adam? I mean what Adam?"

"Could you take Pharaoh?"

"Joo", Sauli said and gave Adam the plastic bag he's been carrying, taking Pharaoh's lead with his free hand. Sauli flashed Adam a smile and continued talking on the phone.

Well, Adam sighed. It was worth a shot.

He concentrated on listening to the happy tone in Sauli's voice.

 _Happy_.

Sauli was happy.

But it was when talking to someone named Mika. Adam tried to search his memory. Why was he so familiar with the name? It felt like there was a special memory attached to it.

"Okei, moikka." Sauli ended the call and pushed the phone in his pocket. He gave Adam a look.

"I'm sorry. He wouldn't stop talking."

He or you? Adam felt urge to ask.

"Isn't it early in the morning in Finland?"

"Yeah, a bit. Mika was drunk. He had just got home from a night club. He was lonely."

"Where have I heard that name before?"

"Oh. I don't know-"

Adam sensed the lie. He formed a smile and nudged Sauli.

"What? C'mon Sauli. Tell me. It bothers me when I don't remember something. You know that."

"Um..."

Sauli fumbled his pockets. He found a packet of cigarettes, stopped and lit one bringing it to his mouth and inhaling. Adam knew Sauli had tried to quit smoking for good but the nervous habit was still there. Adam didn't take his eyes off Sauli.

"You met him at a club back in Finland."

Adam stared at Sauli for a while. The memory started forming in Adam's head.

"What? Him?"

"Adam-"

"He grabbed you on the dance floor", Adam tried to sound calm.

"And he kissed you."

Sauli didn't say anything.

"While we were together", Adam pressured.

"But we aren't anymore", Sauli cleared his throat and looked at Adam. Adam let out a frustrated sigh.

"I know", he said, maybe a bit too loudly. The truth was crushing. Adam swallowed, shaking the memory out of his head.

"I know", he said softer.

 

\---

 

Sauli was on a good mood. He whistled while chopping vegetables for a green smoothie he was making for both of them. Adam watched him from the couch with Pharaoh fast asleep on his lap. Adam's own playlist 'adam's favorite tracks' was playing on shuffle from the stereos in the living room. The soft bass sound was moving smoothly in the air, causing Sauli tap his foot among the beat. Adam experienced deja vu but he was sure it was just because Sauli made smoothies for them so often. 'This is Koskinen-special recipe', he used to joke. Sauli knew how to be healthy. He always babbled about the importance of protein. Adam found it cute that Sauli was so dedicated to sports and keeping himself healthy.

The blender disturbed Adam's ears for 12 seconds.

Adam's eyes were on the sleeping Pharaoh and he proceeded to pet him. Pharaoh let out a long sigh.

"You know he's leaving, don't you?" Adam talked in a low voice.

"I don't know when we will get to see him again."

Pharaoh rose his head. He jumped off Adam's lap and jogged in the kitchen to Sauli who was holding few slices of ham in his other hand.

"Good boy", Sauli praised Pharaoh when the dog sat down and waited obediently.

"He will be fat because of you", Adam said amused and walked to them. Sauli crossed his arms.

"He was a good boy and deserved those treats."

"Do I deserve my smoothie?"

Sauli's smile grew wider.

"Are you a good boy?"

"Very."

They chuckled and Sauli handed Adam the other smoothie glass. The same kind of situation had led to sex for so many times before that it had become something they always joke about around each other. Sauli had a dirty mind which turned Adam on. Every time. There were no exceptions.

"Hey this is a good song!" Sauli took a sip of his smoothie and danced a little. Adam laughed first but got all serious in seconds. He watched Sauli smiling widely at him and then bending down to pet the barking Pharaoh. It was one of those hardest moments in Adam's life when he wanted nothing more but pull Sauli close and kiss him. The urge to do it was strong and Adam's heart speed up from the excitement. He wanted to. _Oh dear God,_ he really wanted to. But he couldn't. Not anymore.

 

\---

 

Adam was drying his hair with a towel. Sauli was taking his own shower and Pharaoh was laying on Adam's bed watching him. Sauli had finished his packing and dragged a smaller suitcase downstairs next to other possible stuff he was taking with him. His flight was leaving early in the morning which meant he wanted to go to bed early and try to get some sleep - Sauli absolutely hated sleeping on the plane. It had never been a joy to Adam either but he knew how grumpy Sauli was after not getting enough sleep. Sauli had however agreed on watching a movie with Adam before bed. 'Maybe it will make me fall asleep if you pick something boring', he had joked. Adam had made sure to pick something interesting. 

Adam dropped the towel carelessly on the floor and wrapped himself in a fluffy grey bathrobe. He settled on the bed and turned the TV on, searching for something to watch while waiting for Sauli. They had always watched movies together under the blankets, cuddled close to each other, sharing body warmth but Adam wasn't sure if that was what Sauli wanted this time. The closeness had never been a problem to either of them but something had changed, like clicked out of its place. It was their last night together - Adam was scared of making things uncomfortable and having to say good bye in awkward atmosphere.

"Adam!"

Adam was shaken out of thoughts. He stood up. The water was still running in the bathroom.

"Is everything okay?"

"Um, yeah, I just forgot the towel. Could you bring me one?"

"Sure!" Adam grabbed a clean towel from his wardrobe and moved to the bathroom door. He hesitated.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah."

He opened the door and stepped inside. Sauli was standing under the steaming hot water his back to Adam, hands running through his wet blond curls and foam dripping down his tanned body. Adam stared. Sauli turned his head.

"Thanks", he smiled.

 _Fucker_ , Adam thought and left the bathroom. He had to take few calming breaths. Sauli was so casual that it almost angered Adam. Damn it did anger him. Maybe Sauli didn't feel anything sexual when looking at Adam but it didn't give him the right to present his body like that. He was too gorgeous. It was frustrating to watch something so beautiful without being able to touch, kiss, fuck.

Adam sighed returning to bedroom. It didn't take long for Sauli to join him, shower fresh, the towel Adam brought wrapped casually around his waist.

"What movie did you pick?"

"Some kind of zombie movie. It has got a good recommendation."

"Okay", Sauli said and disappeared in the quest room to change. He came back in boxers and in a long white T-shirt. Adam's T-shirt. Adam found himself staring again.

"Adam, how many times I have to say this?"

Sauli picked Adam's towel from the floor.

"It won't dry like this", he threw it on top of an open door.

"What would I do without you?" Adam smiled. Sauli smiled back and shrugged. He crawled next to Adam on the bed and pulled the covers on himself.

"I'm ready. Start the movie."

 

\---

 

The movie appeared to be as stupid as Adam thought it would be. He watched it with no interest. However Sauli seemed lost in it. He had cuddled close to Adam - probably unconciously, Adam though - and was holding the edge of the cover looking tense. Their legs were tangled togerher and Sauli felt very warm, almost hot, on Adam's side. The volume was quite high, causing Sauli to jump every time a new zombie managed to startle him. And every time he did so he moved a little bit closer to Adam, eventually ending up almost laying against Adam's chest, gripping on Adam's bathrobe as if trying to get under it. Adam couldn't help but curse himself for choosing not to wear any underwear.

The movie lasted forever.

Sauli was wide awake just like Adam had wanted him to be when the first credits started flowing on the screen.

"Fuck, that movie was something."

"Mm."

"What time is it?"

"Only 8pm."

Sauli hid his face in his hands and groaned.

"My flight is leaving in 9 hours and I'm not even tired yet."

"Shh, you have time."

Sauli groaned again hiding his face in Adam's arm this time. He mumbled something.

"What?" Adam laughed.

Sauli rose his head.

"You gotta make me tired. I have too much energy."

Adam knew Sauli didn't mean to make it sound sexual but it definitely got Adam's attention.

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

Sauli slid on the floor starting to do push ups. Pharaoh jumped from the bed and started circling Sauli, barking at him.

"I'm sorry Pharaoh", Sauli laughed landing on his stomach and getting up in a sitting position, legs crossed. He scratched the dog behind the ears and mumbled something in Finnish to him. Adam had seen Sauli do the trick many times. His tone was soft, calming, and the words sounded soothing. Adam never asked what Sauli talked about to his dog but he was sure it was a regular kind of 'dog talk', nothing more, nothing less. Only this time Sauli kept glancing at Adam between the sentences.

"What?" Adam asked. Sauli smiled.

"Nothing."

"What's nothing?"

"It's our secret", Sauli teased and kissed the top of Pharaoh's head.

"He'll miss you."

"Hm?"

"Pharaoh. He'll miss you."

Sauli crawled back on the bed. He shivered and Adam offered him a blanket.

"I know."

They fell in silence.

Adam almost added ' _and I will miss you_ ' but it seemed unnecessary. It almost made everything too real, maybe even dramatic. It sounded something so final. Adam had said the same sentence to Sauli many times but this time was different. It made no sense but Adam could feel it - the change. It scared him more than he cared to admit.   

He watched Sauli.

But what wouldn't he do for him? What wouldn't he do for his best friend? What wouldn't he do for his love?

"What?"

Adam blinked.

"Nothing", he smiled.

 

\---

 

Adam tossed and turned in the big bed of his unable to find the peace in the dream world. He couldn't fall asleep, no matter how hard he tried. Or maybe he tried too hard - he didn't know. Loud traffic of thoughts had captivated him. It was frustrating. He stared at the ceiling in the dark of his bedroom, the lyrics of chokehold finding their way to his mind. Maybe he was choking himself for holding so tightly onto Sauli. _But I let go. He wants to move on_ , Adam thought biting his lip. Fuck this. Why does it have to hurt so much?

Adam blinked the tears away when he heard footsteps in the corridor. Sauli was probably just going to bathroom. The steps stopped. There was a hesitant knock on the door. It was so quiet that it was barely audible.

"Sauli?" Adam moved to sit.

"I can't sleep. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Topless Sauli stepped inside looking lost. Adam tapped the spot next to him. Sauli walked to him.

"I wasn't sure if you're awake."

"I can't sleep either."

Sauli nodded and sighed.

"I just...I feel terrible. And if I feel terrible you must feel-"

"Shh", Adam placed his finger on Sauli's lips.

"It gets better. The start is always hard."

Sauli smiled. He took Adam's hand in his and squeezed it.

"I have acted so...fine about this all but, Adam, getting over you is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life."

Their eyes locked.

"But it must be done. We only end up hurting each other this way, Adam, and it's the least I want for us. We both deserve happiness. It's-"

"Shh, Sauli, I know", Adam whispered. He let out a shaky breath. Sauli opened his arms and Adam went in willingly, hugging Sauli for all he was worth. They stayed like that for a long while, locked in each other's arms, sharing body warmth and caressing each other's backs. Adam's head was resting on Sauli's shoulder. He placed small loving kisses wherever he could reach without moving too much. He didn't want Sauli to stop holding him.

"Adam..." Sauli whispered breathless when Adam's lips came in touch with his neck. Then he moaned softly.

"Baby?"

"Feels good..."

Adam didn't stop.

He deepened the kisses as he moved up towards Sauli's ear chasing for one particular reaction. Sauli gasped loudly and jerked forward when Adam licked the back of his ear.

"Shit..."

"Mm..."

Sauli slid his hands in Adam's hair and tucked. Adam had always loved it rough. He kissed Sauli's jawline and chin, cheeks and forehead, nose and eyelids, saving the lips at last. It started as soft and gentle but turned into hot and passionate in seconds. Adam added his tongue in the game and started devouring Sauli's mouth thoroughly, moaning his pleasure and swallowing Sauli's little gasps and groans. His hands were wandering on the Finn's body, slowly up and down the arms, chest and back, looking for those special sensitive pleasure spots on Sauli's skin which got the blond shivering under his touch.

They eventually ended up laying down together with Adam on top and Sauli under him, legs spread out and arms pulling Adam even harder down on him.

" _God_ ", Sauli thrust up to meet Adam's hips. Adam avoided giving Sauli the friction he wanted, testing Sauli's patience in order to drive him crazy with want. He didn't want to give Sauli his sweet release so easily.

Not tonight.

"Adammm..."

Sauli spread his legs even more and wrapped them around Adam's middle trying to press him down where he wanted him. Adam kept kissing and nipping his neck and collarbone, ignoring all the noises Sauli was making, all the desperate movements and louder commands, smirking at the growing frustration in his lover's voice. He waited.

"Adam-" The language changed into Finnish when Adam moved to kiss Sauli's nipples. It was a slow process but Adam knew it was worth it - it always was. Adam lowered his hands down on Sauli's thighs and massaged the skin sensually. His mouth was busy licking Sauli's belly button. Sauli started cursing.

Adam smiled.

Almost.

He moved even lower, spread Sauli's legs and kissed his way to the inner thighs.

"Adam..." Sauli was panting heavily.

_Yes, say it._

"Adam... _please_..."

 _There it was_.

Adam pulled Sauli's boxers down but made no move to take him in his mouth. He pulled back and looked at Sauli, properly this time, completely fascinated of the Finn's beauty. He made sure to said it aloud before settling back on top of his lover, his body covering Sauli's smaller one completely. Adam kissed his chin.   

"Vittu. I'm so-"

"I know."

Adam kissed his lips.

"What happens now?" Sauli whispered. Adam was so close that they were sharing a breath but he pulled back to look Sauli in the eyes.

"I want to make love to you", Adam's voice dropped down to a low rumble. He leaned down to whisper in Sauli's ear.

"I'll make it so good for you."

Sauli let out a noise and bucked.

Adam chuckled.

He backed off to kneel between Sauli's legs. Sauli said something about lube but Adam's brain didn't register it. The smile on his face faded, his face turning serious but eyes holding softness as he looked down at Sauli, admiring him from head to toe. Adam inhaled and exhaled, breathing deeply and gazing at Sauli lovingly. It wasn't like they hadn't fucked after they broke up, vice versa, but it had been long since the last time they made love to each other.

"Adam?"

"Yeah", Adam took the lube from Sauli.

"Ready?"

 

\---

 

Sauli arched his back and panted, gripping the sheets so hard his knucked were turning white. Adam's name was on his lips as he came. And Adam came right after, supporting himself on his arms to avoid collapsing on the Finn and crushing him. Adam closed his eyes with a smile playing on his lips and lowered his head to rest on Sauli's chest, listening to the sound of life underneath him. The afterglow of orgasm started tucking him to sleep once his breathing slowed down a bit. It was late. They would have to get up in two hours but it had been so worth it. Adam was sure that Sauli would agree. It was a perfect way to say good bye.

Adam sighed. He tried to blink the tears away but they fell, leaving wet spots on Sauli's chest. A hand touched his head and started stroking his hair, the touch so hesitant and tender that it made Adam gather air in his lungs and let out something like a sob. The hand moved to his cheek and down to his chin.

"Adam", Sauli whispered.

Adam rose his head only to wish he hadn't. Sauli was crying too.

"It's not like either one of us will die or anything", Sauli wiped his tears away and chuckled. Adam smiled and pushed himself next to Sauli, bringing the smaller body against his in a heart beat.

"I know..."

They looked at each other smiling.

"And then we just smiled at each other", Sauli said.

"Hm?"

"Remember the interview? I was asked about the day when we met. I said-"

"And then we just smiled at each other", Adam repeated, moving his hand to stroke Saulis cheeks.

"And still do..."

Maybe it was the end of one era. Maybe everything had come to this exact moment, Adam thought, but it didn't mean the end of the whole world. Nothing lasts forever. Maybe it was meant to go this way. The universe had given them chance to meet and fall in love - to Adam it was more than he could even wish for. Their ups and downs were part of the long beautiful journey they shared together, hand in hand, facing the reality optimistically. All the stories have an end. In the real world they just aren't always happy. But who knows, Adam wondered, maybe they could both find their happy ending with someone else.

Sauli shifted a little, moving even closer to Adam's warm body. He sighed, smiled wider and covered Adam's hand with his own.

" _And still do_..."

 

\---


End file.
